Style Watch: Bearing my sole.

Dear Shoe-Makers from Around the Globe,

OK, I get it. Gladiators were hot. Especially when they were vowing revenge in this life or the next, but does that mean that we have mimic their footwear?

And granted, it would totally rock to be Helen of Troy, who had every dude in a loin cloth fighting over her, launching a thousand ships, etc., but does that mean that we must limp through life wearing matching sandals in order to live vicariously through her? The woman just sat around being fed grapes, looking gorgeous, and watching her boyfriend's brother be killed by her husband. She had her feet up, for sure.

This whole being 'an actual Gladiator', or 'Queen lying around watching Gladiators' scenario is hardly realistic. Even more so if you live in New York. In the 21st Century.

So riddle me this: why are these Grecian / Roman / Maximus Decimus Meridius sandals seemingly ALL WE CAN BUY in 2009? And moreover, if you're going to make us look like we're all extras in Gladiator: The Musical would it be so hard to make them comfortable?

And its not just the Gladiator sandals (I'm just picking on them, because they're rapidly climbing upward on my giant list of pet peeves), its all variations and all little, leathery, strappy sandals in general. What is with the piece of cardboard that they're giving us as support? The soles of these things are like walking on tiny cutting boards. And unless I want to look like a Golden Girl in my orthopedic walking shoes, I have no choice but to slowly crush the arches of my feet by pounding them into concrete sidewalks on a daily basis.

On any given summer day, I can walk anywhere from 11,000 to 25,000 steps (I own and wear a pedometer - don't judge me). That's a lot. That's like, miles and miles. Sometimes, I fancy wearing something a little girlier, and I'll bag the old t-shirt and shorts for say, a sundress. And God knows, running shoes should never even be seen next to, let alone paired with a sundress.

So, its sandals, or bust. And yes, I understand that there were whole populations of people who walked across countries with less support, but one must take into consideration that if I was one of them, at 29, I'd be well past my life expectancy.

So call me crazy, but I'd like to be able to walk into my 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's......

.......and traversing the streets of New York in nothing but a piece of cardboard, strapped to my feet with a sliver of leather that I paid WAY too much for (if they're more expensive than $6, its robbery) is going to make me geriatric by, like, next summer.

So shoe makers - do me these two solids:

- Wrap it up with the Gladiators. When they started hitting the knee, the line was crossed into total ridiculousness, as opposed to just teetering on the edge with the anklet look. And no - I don't care what Mary Kate and Ashley wear / wore / whatever - they're not Gladiators, either.

- Please make cute little summer sandals supportive and comfortable. If I have to start shopping at Aerosoles, and splitting the 'buy one, get one free' special with my Mom, I'm going to hit a new low in life - yes, lower than the time I owned (and loved) a pair of purple stirrups.

On my last leg (pun horrible - but intended),

Teemius Maximus